Hello to my monthly average 10 – 15 20 – 30! visitors, plus friends and family I’ve strongarmed into reading this. It’s another reminiscing entry and this time looking fondly back at my favourite scams of Southeast Asia. While often annoying at the time, in hindsight you really have admire the true entrepreneurial spirit. Anyway read this for some tips on what to avoid to not get gamed yourself.
Vietnamese Train Scam – Stowaway Passengers
Normally in a listicle I would sort this descending from worst to best story, but this one is a real doozy so I’m putting this first.
So, we were taking the train from Ninh Binh to Da Nang. A super long overnight train so we booked the four be first class sleeper. When we booked, we were the only ones in the cabin, but when we arrived there were two local guys in the top bunks. Well we don’t own the cabin so whatever.
They start asking us for our hotspot and generally being a bit disruptive. Less ideal.
The guard comes in and Google translates a message for us “would you like your own cabin for a million Dong’ (roughly £30, $37). We didn’t have much cash so declined. A bit later on the guard comes back and gives the same offer but for 700k Dong. This left us a bit of cash left for us to buy food, so we accept.
We expected to be then moved to another cabin, but to our surprise instead the guard kicks out the two guys on top!
So fair to say they didn’t have a ticket to be there. Potentially even just there so that we pay to remove them. A true hustle.
Cambodia / Laos border crossing – the peril of crisp USD notes
The stakes were a tiny bit higher here.
We booked a minivan to take us from Siem Reap in Cambodia to 4000 Islands (fucking incredible place btw) in Laos. Online the information says it is $30 for the visa, and all of online commenters really emphasise bringing crisp notes. Apparently slightly creased notes are rejected by the banks, so officials hate receiving creased notes.
We take $80 for the both of us from a Cambodian ATM in one $50 note and the rest in $10 notes. I keep the money in my laptop case to keep it as crisp as possible for the journey. Really difficult to stop notes crisping at all, by the way.
The journey to the border was rough. Super dusty janky roads to nowhere. Very few people around the further north we went. There was also a Spanish guy who kept freaking out at every point of the journey, but that’s a whole other story.
We finally get there and see that the crossing is a real wasteland, TS Elliott would be negatively inspired by it. Eerie, isolated and dusty as hell. No ATM or signs of life anywhere.
Top tip: don’t get stranded there.
There is a sign saying a visa is $40, which is $10 more than the official online price. Thankfully we took out exactly that. We fill out our visa paperwork and hand the stone-faced guard our notes. He carefully examines each note and then tells us that the $50 note is creased and he won’t accept it. We don’t have any more USD or much cash of any kind since we were leaving the country.
The guy said to me: “brother, you have a problem you need to solve” – fuck that guy.
So we were stuck in the border crossing with no Cambodian cash, very much not ideal. There was a women doing currency exchange and thankfully I remember I had some Thai Baht which we were able to exchange for USD. Otherwise we would have been stuck with no cash in some dust bowl in Cambodia.
Our working theory was that the guy didn’t want the $50 note because he wouldn’t be able to take his cut from it. The moral is have some cash in reserve always and find a way to keep notes crisp.
Vietnamese bike scam – how we lost like $2
This one is very low stakes, but very amusing.
We had rented bikes from our hotel in Ninh Binh. Great place to visit by the way. We were pretty new to using scooters at this point and the bikes were real scrappy. My speedometer didn’t even work which made the whole thing more exciting. They were totally empty when we picked them up. But luckily there was a woman in a shop next door selling fuel from a plastic bottle. The fire potential keeps things spicy.
We buy petrol (gas in yank) from her, filling up to the top and go about our day. Not using that much fuel in the end. We return the bikes and don’t use them the following day.
The day after we go to use them again, but now they are totally empty.
Surprised that someone had managed to get through two whole full tanks in one day we go to fill up again. That’s when we realised how convenient the women selling gas next door was…
Boracay transfer – getting officially hustled
This one is for my SEO crew.
The real scam here is going to Boracay. The Philippines is beautiful with incredible views and beaches. Boracay is not. Tiny, cramped, expensive with nothing fun to do if you’re not at a good resort – we were not.
Anyway, the more literal scam was the transfer. As we left the airport there was a little booth for a hotel transfer. It cost us around 3k pesos including the boat ticket. Once we get to the boat terminal we realise that this option is like 4x the price of just buying the different parts of the journey separately.
Anyway, don’t go to Boracay.
Enterprising individuals / Philippines ferry tickets
Getting around the Philippines is a challenge. Being a tropical archipelago has its ups and downs for sure. Book flights well in advance.
The ferries are essential for getting around. We were running late for our ferry and rushed to the terminal. When we get there, we got mobbed by a crowd asking us where we are going and to “help” us to book tickets.
We talk to one booth, and they give us the price – pretty expensive. And we start the buying process before I get a little suspicious and take a walk around.
Sure enough, literally next to this booth is an office of the ferry company. Those guys in the booth were going to buy the tickets from next to them and give it to us with a markup. Fuck those guys too.
Is there a lesson to these stories?
Travel teaches you a lot, but contrary to wonderlust influencers doesn’t change your whole character. You do learn to be a bit more street smart and avoid people too keen to help.
From phantom train passengers to ferry ticket resellers, Southeast Asia is full of enterprising individuals ready to test your instincts and your wallet. The key lessons? Keep spare cash, guard your hotspot, and always look for the official booth. And if someone says “brother, you have a problem,” you probably do. Stay sharp out there.
Due to modern goldfish brain and SEO hits, I’m splitting this article in two. Stay tuned.
Leave a comment